(a short written by Sean Graham © 2009.)
So how weird would it be?
…to be sitting a your local neighborhood watering hole, enjoying a nice cold one, only to be bit in the ass by a $*!@ing bobcat?!?!?!
Yep, you read that correctly. According to a local news source in Cottonwood AZ, a bobcat was causing quite a ruckus in town. He reportedly harassed a patron in the Pizza Hut parking lot. I suspect the bobcat was kinda pissed off, namely with the lady that earlier; almost ran him over with her car. I mean we’ve all have bad days, but getting rundown by a large-hat-wearing old lady, could make any day kinda go south.
So after taking out some of its frustration out on the local idiot outside the Pizza Hut, it likely worked up a thirst, and naturally headed to the neighborhood bar to wet its whistle. I suspect it isn’t every day that a bobcat wanders into a bar for a drink (I’m thinking joke here) so the regulars were probably shocked, sending them up their bar stools in a panic, exposing some plump and juicy asses; apparently which are irresistible to pissed off and thirsty bobcats.
Awe – Isn’t he cute?
Unfortunately, upon exiting the local establishment, “the Po-Po” decided to shoot first and ask questions later, fatally ending what I can only assume was an entertaining stand-off between the bobcat and the “Darwin Award” winner in the parking lot (which by the way was reported to have poked the otherwise peaceful bobcat with a large stick). Talk about a bad day, though. Do you think the bobcat thought his day would end like that when he woke up? What the hell is a bobcat anyway?
Okay so I don’t know exactly what a bobcat is, but I do know what a damn alligator looks like (well…maybe; I get alligator and crocodile mixed up from time to time but since I am neither a relative of the Erwins, nor an employee of an alligator farm, I am not sure it really matters).
Back during my 2nd year in College (round 1 for those that are keeping score) I arrived home to the apartment after visiting my family for Christmas. On the ride home I had consumed copious amounts of coffee, and thus naturally felt like I had to pee like the preverbal race horse.
The door to the apartment is flung open, and bags are tossed aside…toppling over each other as they travel down the hallway. All I could think about was making it to the bathroom. Struggling with my zipper (which typically has difficulty staying up, thus surprising me as it wouldn’t come down) I can feel the pressure building. OMG, if I don’t get ready… like right now!.. my laundry pile is going to get slightly larger.
With swift success, I as soon enjoying the immense relief of pressure…when suddenly I heard it. A very odd, sloshing sound that was intermittently emanating from the bathtub. As I turn my head, I notice the shower curtain is drawn. That’s unusual. I mean, this is a total bachelor pad…I’m not even sure we had a shower curtain before. What could be making that sound? My curiosity won out…
I slowly reach out and grab a handful of shower curtain, and with one fell swoop, open the curtain, to unveil to my complete and utter surprise: a $*!@ing alligator in my $*!@ing bathtub! Startled I jump what seemed like an olympic hight, all the while spraying pee all over the room as if it were an unmanned fire hose. Apparently the killing machine in my bathtub was startled as well, and started flipping around (the “death roll”), and snapping at me. I am lucky I didn’t shit myself. GARY!!!!!!!!! I scream! There is a $*!@ing alligator in the bathtub!!!!
Creepy eye looking @ you
By this time, I have managed to regain some of my composure; just as Gary nonchalantly strolls into the bathroom, completely un-phased by the relative to the dinosaur taking up residence in the bathtub.
“Oh yeah, I forgot he was there”
was the response I got from my roommate. WTF?! Forgot he was there? How the HELL do you forget about a $*!@ing alligator?!?! Come on!!! It’s not like there are thousands of them around the apartment, and this particular one was misplaced. Gary feels this would be the best time to educate me, and proceeds to tell me that it’s not an alligator, but a caiman, which is apparently part of the crocodile family.
What the $*!@ ever dude, last time I checked, that wasn’t on the list of approved pets for the apartment.
With that comment, Gary then proceeds to tell me that I will likely not like the other “pet” he as acquired over the holidays…and creeps slowly in retreat from the room. I follow him down the hallway to the door to his room. Gary looks at me and flashes a devilish grin as he slowly turns the door knob and pushes open the door.
Admists the creaking of the door, I start to see what appears to be an enourmous plexiglass box…with wood chips and rocks lining the bottom…it has an industrial mesh fence as a lid…I swallow and nervously ask
What’s in that huge box Gary?
“Oh, just a king snake.” was his reply. OMG!!!!!!!!!
Just a King snake
So there I am standing in the hallway of a two bedroom apartment, when I realized that I was surrounded by scary reptiles. As a broke student, there wasn’t much I could do, other than grin and try and bare it. It took some time, but I eventually got use to living in a zoo (Gary also had a black cat called “Kitty”, yeah…super original…I know). The caiman eventually moved from the bathtub to a new residence made from plastic swimming pools, which at my instance remained in Gary’s room.
As the second half of the school year ended, I remember my friend Marc was over visiting while I was packing. He mentioned quite casually that one of Gary’s many snakes had escaped from it’s domicile a few months earlier, and wondered if anyone ever found it.
What? Many snakes?!? What? Escaped?!?
Apparently everyone knew about it, but because they knew I would freak out, no one ever told me. I think that’s why I had this deep rooted fear of snakes, well, until I moved to Texas. While snakes don’t scare the shit out of me any more, I still don’t like them all that much. Call me crazy, but I can do without the whole reptile family.
Last I heard from Gary, he was well on his way to be becoming a vet.